The Planner’s Guide to Unplanning
The months spent living through the pandemic, and all the twists and turns that came with it, gave us a master class in learning to go with the flow. But if you're the type who sticks to a routine, keeps your Google calendar updated to the minute, or has a hard time coping with fluctuating plans, this lesson was probably a tough one to swallow.
Human beings like a degree of certainty in their lives—but “the pandemic made planning especially difficult with the unknown involved in so many aspects of it,” says Jacqueline Sperling, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, faculty member at Harvard Medical School, and the co-founder and co-program director of the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts.
Our days may have more or less gone back to regular service but that doesn't mean life is always orderly. Constant changes to our daily routines and ever-shifting priorities are one thing we can always count on. For some, this lack of certainty can feel like being asked to step out on a shaky ledge—every day. As a result, many of us have taken to sticking closer to the tried-and-true in our daily routines.
But, says Sperling, people who were already especially anxious around uncertainty may have scaled back even further—avoiding certain experiences, like making social plans, participating in extracurricular activities, interacting with unfamiliar people, or traveling. It’s okay to step back from activities that bring you undue stress and worry—but there’s no guaranteed strategy to eliminate uncertainty or ensure our engagements go exactly as planned.
5 Tips to Help You Better Manage a Change of Plans
If you have a hard time letting go of plans—or can’t do most things without checklists, maps, blueprints, and schedules—these five tips will help you ease expectations and feel more confident in your ability to manage change.
1. Make a Backup Plan
No one likes when plans fall through (unless it’s that last-minute get-together your friend haphazardly threw on your schedule). Having a backup plan—one that focuses on positive reactions and reframing—can help thwart any disappointment and frustration that might result from cancellations or curveballs.
Before adding something to your calendar, challenge yourself to think through a few if-then scenarios. For example, “If my dinner with friends falls through, then I’ll treat myself to some takeout and watch a funny movie at home.”
2. Gradually Expose Yourself to Uncertainty
There’s something to be said about avoiding experiences that we aren’t sure will serve us—but there's also a reason why we’ve been told to face our fears since we were children. To get more comfortable with unpredictable circumstances, Sperling recommends slowly exposing yourself to them.
“Create a hierarchy of unpredictable experiences, with those you fear a little at the bottom, and those you fear the most at the top,” Sperling says. “Gradually practice engaging in those experiences, starting with the lower end of the hierarchy, to teach yourself that either the experiences were not as challenging as expected, or that they were at least doable. These learning opportunities can facilitate mastery and motivation to try a more difficult step in the hierarchy.”
Perhaps you'll start by choosing a dinner spot without first knowing what's on the menu and work your way up to arranging to meet a friend for lunch at a restaurant that doesn't take reservations (there's no telling how long your wait will be).
3. Reflect on Past Experiences
Think about it: Even if you're the planner of your family, friend group, or office, there have certainly been times when you couldn’t live by your calendar—and you got through it. So, if you did it before, why can’t you do it now?
One recent study suggests that thinking back to a time when you tackled a challenge successfully can help you reassess a negative situation and view it in a different light. Recalling how confident and positive you felt about the event can be used to help boost resilience.
Focusing on past moments of adaptability and acceptance—that time you came up with a replacement recipe on the fly after your dinner burned in the oven, or when you were tapped to give a presentation at the last minute in place of a sick co-worker—will remind you that you have the agility, quick wit, and composure to get through whatever challenge is facing you now.
4. Identify the Constants
When it feels like everything is out of your control and subject to constant change, take a moment to list the things you can control, as well as things that will stay the same, no matter how many times you have to change course.
Identifying the silver linings can help pull you out of negative thought spirals and remind you of the consistent components of your life to keep you grounded. So, while hybrid work situations mean that you may not be on the same in-office schedule as all of your teammates and work buddies, you do have a say over your own work routine, and you can keep that coffee date with your co-worker on your calendar for every Friday—whether it's over Zoom or in person.
5. Practice Mindfulness
Planners have a tendency to look to the future. What time is that appointment tomorrow? Where am I going to park when I get there? Will I hit traffic or miss it entirely? But the key to stepping out of your planner mentality and stepping into a more easygoing headspace is to live in the present moment.
While it might be hard to keep your mind from wandering to possible future stressors, you can stay in the now with simple mindfulness exercises, like using your five senses to observe your environment or thinking about three things for which you're grateful.
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